Mission: Impossible

The hardest decision I have to make is whether to eat Captain Crunch or Honey Nut Cheerios. I am not in a position where many people care what i decide to do. There are, however, people who make decisions that effect hundreds, thousands, even millions of people each and every day. Those people walk a very thin line. If they make the right decision, people will praise them, but If they make the wrong decision, most people will call for their head, and there will be the few who will still drink the Kool-aid and follow them to the pits of Hell and back. In the city of Detroit, most things are judged on a "what-have-you-done-for-me-lately?" outlook. You may recall this comedy bit from Eddie Murphy's Raw, done so back in the 1980's, but here in Detroit, it is no laughing matter.

Today, we have 2 major icons, who the entire city and most of the state watch their every move. The ridiculousness of these two individuals are so magnified, that both have become the butt of jokes by the likes of Jay Leno, David Letterman, and every half-wit comedian from New York to Honolulu. Those two people are Kwame Kilpatrick and Matt Millen, the Mayor of Detroit, and General Manager of the Lions respectively. These two individuals have faced more heat than slice of bologna sitting on your car in a hot summer afternoon; and both have done far more damage. Both began their epic legacy in 2001. Both walked into a semi-good situation. Both have gone on a long, twisting, illogical and inadvisable road; and now both jobs are being called for.

Let's take a quick look into what Matt Millen first walked into in 2001. When Wayne Fontes had a "sub-par" 5-11 season, the Lions chose to bring in Bobby Ross to right the ship. Ross had immediate success with a 9-7 season, but took a step back in 1998 to 5-11. The losing (and the abuse he had been taking for 10 years) had been enough for Barry Sanders to abruptly leave the team, just short of breaking Walter Payton's then all-time rushing record. That year, owner William Clay Ford was flirting with the idea of bringing in Matt Millen as a general manager, but Ross refused to give up any power to him, and threatened to quit if the talks did not stop. Ross won this battle, and endured one and a half more seasons, before stepping down. You may remember the press conference where Bobby Ross shouted out "I don't coach that way!" The end was near for sure. Gary Moeller, former head coach of the University of Michigan, took over for the remainder of the year and finished with a 4-3 record gained much respect of all the players for doing such an admirable job in such a situation. Moeller was fired as Matt Millen's first act as general manager for the Detroit Lions. For his next trick, he brought in good friend and former offensive coordinator of the San Fransisco 49ers Marty Mornhinweg. Marty was famous for setting the bar high. M&M, as they were called around time and also for the play on Detroit rapper Eminem (Marshal Mathers), ditched the team at training camp and road off on their motorcycles, trying to make a statement to the team. Marty lasted as long as he had to. The real prize Millen was after was the head coach of the Niners, Michigan native, Steve Mariucci. After raising eyebrows around the league for not following the Minority Hiring Regulations, "Mooch" was brought in and asked to put lipstick on a pig. Mariucci did not fare any better than Marty, and in Gary Moeller fashion, Dick Juron took over as acting coach, until Millen pulled the rug underneath him at season's end. Now we here in Detroit are stuck with a tough-nosed linemen coach, Rod Marinelli, until the next best thing arrives. If the cake consist of all the coaching changes, the draft picks and off season pick ups that have been as laughable as his 31-81 record as acting general manager, then the icing on that cake is the contract extension he signed before the 2005 season.

The only saving grace among these miserable facts is that it is about a sports team. For the people of Detroit and its surrounding cities, the real nausea begins with the Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick. To list all his downfalls would not only waste a bunch of time and bore a bunch of people, but it would also not do any justice to what the city goes through on a daily basis. Some of the hip-hop Mayor's lowlights would make the likes of John Gotti blush. Some of the scandals and cover-up's/conspiracy theories are that right out of a movie script: A party at the Moonogian Mansion that allegedly had hookers and dancers being boated in across from Windsor, Canada, underneath Customs' nose; A dead hooker who was gunned down by gangsters better known as Detroit Police; A whistleblower case; Missing money from a city's Civic Fund; The use of city payroll for the likes of cousins, and college buddies that do nothing for the City of Detroit; Using city money to fly his body-guards with him to conferences across the United States, where no one knew who he was; and finally the lying under oath about a sexual relationship with his chief of staff, Christine Beatty. In a very Millen-esque fashion, the city of Detroit re-elected this animal for another term.
Breathtaking!

Matt Millen and Kwame Kilpatrick are, indeed, in a heap of crap. Both men need to make a 180 degree turn. Yet, for both men, the time on their Cinderella clocks may read 11:59pm.